Conflict Resolution

Conflict is a reality that is always lurking around the corner in this fallen world. As Christians, we must seek to resolve our conflict in a manner that honors Christ. Do so begins with a biblical understanding of conflict.

The Source of Conflict

Understanding the source of conflict is essential for resolving the conflict. A doctor who cannot diagnosis a disease will not be able to order the right prescription. In the same way, a man who cannot rightly identify for the source of conflict will not be able to resolve conflict in a godly and consistent fashion. When it comes to the source of conflict, the bible presents at least four sources of interpersonal conflict.

• Your Nature: Our circumstances are NOT the cause of conflict. The reason why we find ourselves in conflict with others is because our hearts are sinful.

• Your Methods:Our natural response to any situation is to depend upon the methods of the flesh in order to manipulate, intimidate, and impose our own will on a situation. The works of the Flesh are the natural methods that we use for attaining our sinful goals (Galatians 5:17-21).

• Your Wisdom: Earthly wisdom is self-centered and consequently results in attitudes of jealousy, selfish ambition. The logic behind these attitudes inevitably leads to disorder and evil interpersonal practices because our thinking has been poisoned by sinful attitudes (James 3:13-16).

• Your Desires: You fight because you don’t get what you want. Someone else has gotten in the way of you obtaining or keeping the object of your desire. Because your desire for this object is greater than your desire for anything else (i.e. an idol) you are willing to fight to protect it (James 4:1-3).

Notice that all of these sources of conflict come back to one place, you! The first step to dealing with conflict is recognizing that you have contributed to the conflict in some form or fashion.

• Self-control in the Conflict

It is hard to admit that we are completely responsible for our own actions. In fact, we make all kinds of excuses for why we are not actually in control of ourselves. However, the only thing that a person is actually accountable for is himself. God will hold you responsible for how you controlled yourself. Self control is one of the most important, but least addressed disciplines in the Christian life. The good news is that through Christ we have forgiveness for our rebellious lack of self-control and through his Holy Spirit he equips us to exhibit self-control (cf. Gal 5:23). In the midst of conflict there are two specific areas that we must guard carefully and work to exhibit self-control, our speech and our criticism.

• Self-Control of speech: The importance of controlling speech is a vital NT principle for dealing with conflict (cf., James 3:1-12). To do this, you must...

  1.  Use your ears more than your mouth. (James 1:19)

  2.  Use your words to love not to win. (Eph 4:15)

  3.  Use gracious words not cutting words. (Prov 12:18)

  4.  Use words that are accurate not usefully exaggerated. (Prov 12:22)

  5.  Use direct speech not gossip. (Prov 26:20)

•  Self-Control of Criticism: In addition to controlling your speech in general, you must make it a point to control your criticism of others. To do this, you must...

  1.  Be humble rather than judging the situation in pride. (Mat 7:1-5)

  2.  Be prayerful for change not manipulative for change. (Jas 1:5)

  3.  Be ready to cover with love rather than smother in criticism. (1 Pt 4:8)

  4.  Be kind not combative. (Col 3:12)

  5.  Be graciously biblical not dogmatically preferential. (Rom 14)

  6.  Be encouraging not demeaning. (Rom 15:1-2)

  7.  Be open to criticism not ready to mount a defense. (Prov 9:8-9)

Conclusion

The reason we are so easily drawn into conflict with other people is because they present a threat to our will being done. In other words, they are getting in the way of what we want. Thus, the ultimate answer for a destructive pattern of conflict cannot be found in a conflict resolution methodology. There are wise and biblical methodologies that God’s people should employ in the midst of conflict. But, if we continue seeking after our every desire, with our prideful wisdom, using our vain methods, then the selfishness of our hearts will continue to result in conflict. The only hope of dealing with conflict is to repent of selfishness, and exercise self-control. By replacing the idols that serve our personal kingdom purposes with the God of the Bible we can break the sinful pattern of conflict.