How Do I Start Shepherding My Wife and Kids?

How to Get Started

In our study of the Christian Home we have unearthed a number of biblical principles the world has attempted to bury. In the process, you may be recognizing areas where your own sanctification and family life need to grow. The question is, how do you get started with these spiritual principles? Husbands might questions, “How do I start shepherding my wife and kids?” Wives might be struggling to apply the principle of submission to their family lives. If you are working through these kind of issues as you think about your own family life, keep in mind that "now" is always a good time to repent. If you need to turn away from practices and patterns that don't line up with God's word so that you can pursue a faithful Christian home, the Lord will provide the grace that you need to do that very thing. Along the way, patiently and persistently pursue faithfulness. Be persisent in your own spiritual dilligence, and patient with the people around you. I am reminded that there is no secret answer for how to build healthy spiritual relationships. People are different, situations are varied, and relational dynamics can change over time. In other words, there is no cookie-cutter solution for how to initiate profitable and sustainable discipleship relationships. That being said, there are a few principles that will help you get started. 

Love 

The foundation for a healthy spiritual relationship is love, which is to say you have to be committed to the spiritual good of the people you are discipling. Paul lays the groundwork for this point in Ephesians 4:15: 

“Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,” (Ephesians 4:15, ESV)

There is much that could be said about this verse, but for now just focus on the fact that we are to speak the truth “in love.” From a biblical perspective love means that we prioritize the good of another over ourselves. We prefer them over our desires, comfort, and preferences. This is the essence of love, and it is essential if we want to initiate healthy discipleship relationships with those around us. If they are going to respond when you speak the truth (especially hard truths), they must know that you love them. 

This kind of love begins in your own heart. If your aim in shepherding or discipleship is to make people less burdensome to you or to make them more useful for your purposes, that is not love. You must sift through the mix of motives in your own heart to make sure that you are speaking into peoples’ lives out of a Christ-like desire for their good. Additionally, you must demonstrate this love to people over time. Through your attentive care, careful prayers, and thoughtful interactions they should see humility not hubris. If you want to initiate a discipleship relationship with someone, begin with love. 

Learn 

In addition to love, make sure that you are learning about the person with whom you are engaging. The helpfulness of your influence in someone’s life is what makes it compelling, and you will only be helpful to them if you learn where they are at. Rehearsed answers and regurgitated principles don’t work in personal discipleship. The whole point of getting involved in someone’s life is to help them see how the truth of God intersects with their specific life circumstances, common temptations, and besetting sins. If you don’t know anything about them it will be impossible to speak coherently to any of the issues that matter the most for them. Again, the apostle Paul helps us with this concept in 1 Thessalonians 5:14: 

“And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all. See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone.” (1 Thessalonians 5:14–15, ESV)

There is much that could be said about this paradigmatic verse—over the years it has probably been the single most impactful verse in the Bible on my own shepherding ministry. For now, just notice that in order to obey what is required by this verse you must know something about the person you are shepherding. Do they need admonishing, encouragement, or help? Or maybe it is some combination of all three! If you want to sustain spiritually-oriented relationships you must listen, observe, and learn about the people you are discipling. 

Lead

One final thought needs to be considered as you seek to initiate helpful shepherding relationships—at some point you have to lead. The language of shepherding is really just an illustration for spiritual leadership; it vividly depicts the kind of influence our authority should have on those under our care. So, if we love those around us and learn about their lives, but we never speak the truth to them, use our influence to guide them, or lead them toward Christ-like change, then we are not shepherding. At some point you have to actually lead people in obedience to the truth in order for shepherding to occur. The apostle Peter’s charge to the elders of the church reminds us that, by nature, shepherding requires us to be spiritually proactive in people’s lives:

“shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.” (1 Peter 5:2–3, ESV)

Love people, learn about them, and lead them toward Christ. This won’t solve every relationship issue in your family, nor will it warm every cold heart toward your convictions. However, it is helpful to remember that we have to love those whom Christ has entrusted to us in such a way that we see their needs and make every effort to meet those needs. I suspect that if you patiently follow this pattern, it is far more likely that your family will want to join you in submitting to the principles of God's word in your family life.