Parenting and Obedience

What is the most important lesson you can teach your children? There is so much that needs to be imparted and enforced in the life of children, but there is one principle that undergirds everything else that needs to be taught to kids—the virtue of obedience. As sinners, all of us are born rebels with an ingrained aversion to authority and submission. The natural man does not want to yield to anything other than the lustful desires of his sinful heart. The only way a person can be saved is if they submit to Christ as SAVIOR and LORD. Really, the Christian life is the process of rooting out rebellious factions in your heart and yielding everything to Christ. This process will be much easier if you learn the value of obedience at a young age. This is why children must be taught the importance of a life of submission in the Christian home. By God’s design a life of patterned submission begins in the home with the relationship of children and parents. You cannot force your children to obey the Gospel, but you can teach them the blessings of a life of obedience to God. This is the issue addressed by Paul in Ephesians 6:1.

Children are commanded to obey their parents (v. 1)

Paul indicates the importance of submission when he commands children to obey their parents. Underlying this command rests the foundational principle that God ordered the home to be run by parents not kids. All sorts of trouble occurs when this principle is ignored, the greatest danger being that a child-centered home teaches children to live a self-centered life. As Lou Priolo points out,

A child who is at the center of a child-centered home believes that he and his desires should be the focal point of the entire house-hold. It is in the context of a child-centered home that many children grow up believing that society owes them a living. (The Heart of Anger, 25)

The Christian home cannot function properly if it is kid-centered; it must be God-centered and God has given the authority to parents. This is why in simple and straightforward terms, Paul commands children to obey their parents. Obedience is the primary responsibility for children in the Christian home.

Paul’s language indicates that children still in the home are the specific recipients of this command. Paul uses the word for child that refers to a dependent, and is not limited to small children. Thus, children of all ages—from toddlers to teenagers—have an obligation to heed the command to obey. Additionally, the word Paul chose to describe this obedience indicates that children must do what they are told. Literally, they must “hear under” their parents, which is to say, they must listen to their parents with the intention of submitting, not for something to argue about. Parents, it is your child’s God-given task to hear you and respond to your authority and you must train them for this task. They need to be trained to hear you with an ear toward submission rather than defiant deafness.

When my daughters were very young I made it a habit to get their attention with a very specific whistle. At times I am sure that it has been annoying to them, but I also know that I can always get their attention. In one instance, two of my daughters were separated from me in a very large crowd. I could see them, but they couldn’t see me and they were panicking. With a slight and subtle whistle I was able to let them know I was there and I could see them. As soon as they heard me I could see the relief on their faces and they were able to quickly locate me. They were trained to listen for me, which is what needs to happen in the Christian home. Children need to be trained to listen for and to their parents so that as they grow older they will know how to listen for and to their God.

If you are looking for the perfect example of an obedient child, you’ll find it in the person of Christ. As a child, Jesus perfectly submitted to His earthly parents in the way Paul commands (Luke 2:51). He is the standard for submission to an earthly father as well as the Heavenly Father. Because He was perfect in His obedience, He is also the Savior of those who do not perfectly submit, which is also what you must teach your children. Your children need to learn to pattern their lives around obedience, but they also need to know that their lack of obedience can be forgiven through the cross-work of Christ. You must present Christ to your children as Savior and Lord, which is a balance Paul reminds readers of when he uses the phrase “in the Lord.” This doesn’t imply a child must be in the Lord for this to apply or even that parents must be in the Lord for this to apply. The point is that a child’s obedience to his or her parents is also obedience to Christ. In other words, a child’s obedience to his parents conforms to the Lord’s plan for the family and is pleasing to Jesus (Col 3:20).

Obedience is what God requires and when children obey their parents they conform to God’s requirement. This means, parents, that God’s requirement in the Bible must become your requirement in the home. To put it simply, if God requires obedience in the home, then parents must require it as well. You must patiently and consistently teach your kids obedience because they must obey God (Rom 6:17). As a young child, I remember arguing with my dad because I did not understand why he was making me do something. His response has stuck with me to this day. He said, “Son, if you can’t obey me when you don’t understand why, you’ll never be able to obey God when you don’t understand why.” When you teach obedience to your child you are training them to submit to God’s authority even when they don’t like it or understand it. This must be part of the reason why Paul says that obedience is “right.”

The ultimate motivation for obedience is rooted in the fact that it is right. It is righteous in God’s sight, fitting in light of God’s truth, and appropriate to God’s design for children to obey their parents. In fact, we know it is right for children to obey their parents because God commanded it and He is never wrong. Paul must have known that,since he was dealing with kids, he should anticipate the question “Why?” Paul is essentially saying, children need to obey their parents because God said so and it is the right thing to do. Conversely, it is inherently wrong for children to disobey their parents (Rom 1:30; 2 Tim 3:2). When parents and children alike forget this point they begin to waiver on the requirement of obedience. Kids begin to question the need for obedience when it contradicts their own sensibilities. Parents begin to question the need to enforce obedience when it contradicts their own comfort. Parents and kids alike must remember that children must obey parents because this is right in God’s eyes.

For parents, conformity to God’s will in this area will require diligent and intentional effort on your part. God demands obedience but our little “bundles of sin” won’t automatically conform to this requirement. You must patiently encourage obedience, and consistently deal with disobedience. Don’t teach your kid that they only get in trouble when they annoy you, teach them that disobedience is always dangerous and displeasing to God. Additionally, you must expect obedience, and never excuse disobedience. Your child is not too young, too tired, too hungry, too much of a boy, or too much of a teenage girl to heed Paul’s command. Paul provides no caveats, and neither should parents. You must graciously enforce first time obedience, because anything less is disobedience and you don’t want to reinforce rebellion. For example, “I’m going to count to three” is just another way of saying I am going to give you two free passes to rebel against my authority. This is not what you want to train your children in. Your home should be the training ground for joyful obedience to the Lord, not another opportunity for children to hone their already adept skills at rebellion.

This is an excerpt from The Christian Home: Principles for Managing and Maintaining a Godly Family. You can read more on the subject of parenting along with principles for marriage in The Christian Home.