Unmet Expectations, What to do when your church disappoints you?

Disappointment is an all-too-familiar reality in the life of the church. Sometimes it is our sin that gets in the way of meeting the expectations of the people around us; sometimes it is the limitations of human frailty that make it impossible for us to meet every need; and sometimes it is the misguided expectations of others that lead to disappointment. Whatever the case, disappointment is a reality that, if not properly addressed, can lead to becoming disgruntled. So what do you do when you are disappointed with the ministry or the members of your church? Maturely processing unmet expectations always begins with self-examination. In other words, when we are disappointed with our fellow believers we need to determine where that disappointment is coming from in our own hearts before we can figure how to respond. Specifically, there are some common causes of disappointment that you can look for in your own life.

Extra-Biblical Expectations

First, your disappointment with your church could arise from extra-biblical expectations. In other words, people may be falling short of your expectations because your expectations don’t come from the Bible. When you find yourself disappointed by someone in the church, or the ministry in general, the first thing that you should examine is whether your expectations come from Scripture. Ask yourself, “Is this expectation just something that I wanted or is it something that God demands of a faithful church?” Be careful in how you answer this question. There is a difference between biblically justifying the wisdom of our preferences, and explicitly finding that expectation commanded in God’s word. If what you wanted to happen is a personal preference or conviction rather than something expressly required in the Bible, that does not mean you are wrong. But it does mean that you cannot evaluate the faithfulness of your church and the people around you based on their adherence to your expectations. Maybe the world would be a better place if everyone did things the way that you want, but if God has not required what you expected, then you can’t evaluate the ministry based on your expectations. All this to say, just because you are disappointed does not mean that others have been unfaithful.

Differing Philosophy of Ministry

Another question that you need to ask when you are dealing with unmet expectations is “Could my disappointment come from a difference in philosophy of ministry?” A ministry’s philosophy of ministry is an expression of its convictions about how ministry is supposed to be done. Sometimes there are differing convictions about the best way to accomplish biblical goals in the life of the church. This is where we must be careful about the temptation of ascribing motives to those who have disappointed us. For instance,

“This church doesn’t have childcare for my third grader during the worship service, it must be because they don’t love my third grader.”

“This church doesn’t have a senior saints ministry, it must be because they don’t value the influence of older generations.”

“This church has a youth group, it must be because they don’t want parents to disciple their own children.”

Sometimes our conclusions could be true, but it is far more likely we have made an improper assumption. There are all kinds of reasons why things are done differently in different churches—different resources, different needs, and a difference in philosophy of ministry (i.e., your convictions about how ministry should be done). Maybe your church doesn’t have a children’s church because they think that the most spiritual benefit for a third grader comes from sitting with his parents in the worship service. You might have a different conviction about that, but it doesn’t mean the church isn’t loving your third grader. Or, maybe the church avoids a specific senior saints ministry because it wants to see the wisdom of its more experienced members spread throughout all the ministries of the church rather than isolated in one ministry of the church. Or, maybe the church is equipping parents to shepherd their children and it wants to intentionally disciple students through a specific ministry. All of these variations, which could lead to disappointment, come from genuine differences in philosophy of ministry not a lack of faithfulness from those who disagree with you.

Occasionally it is not merely a difference in philosophy of ministry that leads to disappointment, it is a misunderstanding of ministry that results in unmet expectations. One of the most common examples of this arises out of something as simple as how a person defines the church. People will point out that the church is not fulfilling certain responsibilities that they think are vital to the effectiveness of the church. They might ask, “Why isn’t the church doing more Bible studies, visiting more people, doing more evangelism, etc?” When it is pointed out to them that members of the church actually are doing all of those things they respond by saying, “Yeah, but that’s because the church isn’t doing them!” Their definition of the church “doing something” includes a formal program, bulletin announcements, and the involvement of the pastoral staff. In other words, they are implicitly defining the church as an organization instead of a body of believers. When you understand that the church is its members, then you realize that the church is doing all of those ministries and it doesn’t need to be programmed, or promoted in order to be legitimate.

Whether it is a divergence of convictions or a definite misunderstanding, check to see if your disappointment comes from a differing view of ministry.

Sin and Immaturity

A third common cause of disappointment and unmet ministry expectations falls under the category of immaturity and sin. In other words, sometimes we are disappointed by the spiritual failures of those around us. A lot of the unmet expectations fall under categories one and two (extra-biblical expectations and differences in philosophy of ministry), but there are certainly times when people are genuinely hurt by the sins of others. This is a sad reality, and when the church (or a church member) is guilty of sin it must be dealt with biblically. That being said, even when we have a legitimate grievance, the Bible tells us how we are to respond to those who disappoint us. We are to love one another, be patient with one another, forgive one another, and seek reconciliation with one another. In other words, we can never let our unmet expectations lead to division in the church.

We need to carefully submit to Scripture in this area because our flesh’s temptation is to deal with our hurt in the exact opposite direction. We naturally respond with things like …

• self pity -- “my expectations weren’t met because no one likes me, it’s always me, why is it me?

• ascribing motives — “I know they didn’t meet my expectations because of a sinful motive in their hearts.”

• vengeance seeking - “If they are going to treat me like that, what until they see how I treat them, that’ll teach them!”

Fleshly responses won’t alleviate disappointment, they only lead to bitterness and division.